e-Tips

People have been talking about the desire to “bring their whole selves to work” for a few generations. Particularly Boomer women have felt they had to hide their family and otherwise personal side to succeed. Now men feel about as strongly, so in this regard gender is not a divergent issue.

The pendulum is swinging. Now while personal expression and getting to know co-workers as “people” is accepted and often encouraged by employers, an almost opposite dilemma has arisen: While we get both too much information (TMI) and too little that is truly meaningful, many people still are not, in essence, bringing their whole selves to work. They have formed habits preventing it.

With the widespread, almost universal adoption of electronic communication, we are abandoning half to 80% of our communication capabilities and benefits. Daniel Goleman, psychologist and best-selling author, explains how electronic communication, when it’s text only such as email or texting, ignores the social brain. Constantly and invisibly the social brain picks up information it wants at the moment, be it emotions, voice tone or other non-verbal cues. The social brain then tells us what to do next. With no non-verbal cues, the social brain doesn’t know what to attend to. What’s missing is context. Baby Boomers often complain that Gen Y/Millennials don’t communicate their whole message, and the feeling or attitude behind it in a text or email can be misinterpreted.

Another piece to this picture on the side of information overload comes from Sherry Turkle, MIT professor and author with a special interest in the pros and cons of web connectivity. In her book “Alone Together,” Turkle expressed a shift from the benefits of electronic communication to concern that people are using technology to escape loneliness. “If we never get accustomed to being alone with our thoughts, the birthplace of insight, what are innovations for? What kind of future are we likely to see?” wrote Turkle.

As an example Sheryl Connelly, global consumer brands futurist at the Ford Motor Company, cites how use of multiple devices is isolating consumers, who don’t want to engage with actual people. Most of us have witnessed people in a room where they don’t know anyone. Making small talk may always have been difficult for some people, but these days it is normal for people to immediately get on their mobile device to connect to social media or otherwise kill some time instead of starting a conversation with someone in the room.  

Founding Editor of Next Avenue Donna Sapolin wrote of some other examples that, while making an effort to reach out, may seem more like weirdly desperate attempts than organic conversation or connection. She wrote of projects designed to get people to talk and bond, including one called FreeConvo in which couches are placed on the street for strangers to walk up and sit down and start conversations. She wrote, “It seems the younger generations are deeply hungry for meaningful face-to-face interactions but they feel they have to devise a new approach in order to get beyond shallow chit-chat…We’ve deemed these generations to be the most connected, but they may, in fact, be the most disconnected.”

Increasingly virtual relationships and business connections are the rule rather than the exception for most generations. But there is something else going on as well.

Turkle, in her New York times Op-Ed “The Documented Life,” writes,” Until recently it was the sharing that seemed most important. People didn’t seem to feel like themselves unless they shared a thought or feeling…These days we still want to share, but our first focus is to have, to possess, a photograph of our experience.” That phenomenon has made “selfie” the top new word for 2013. As Turkle explains, it’s interrupting the living of an experience of a moment to document it.  She sees this as an extension of how we have learned to put our conversations “on pause” to send or receive a text, image or email when we are in meetings or out socially with friends. We are continually “on” to be emotionally available for an interruption, welcoming it rather than seeing it as a disruption.

Whether traced to narcissism, craving to be visible all over social media (often lacking authenticity) or fear of being alone with their thoughts, many people are not “bringing their whole selves to work.” A lot is lost whether in an image or text. Those may document a moment, but they neglect backstory and reflective meaning. It’s TMI, too frequent, often shallow, quick and disruptive rather than really enlightening.

As a passionate champion of cross-generational conversation, I certainly share the concern with the loss of real conversation. How else will we grow to understand each other, whether to do our best work or in our personal lives outside? How will authentic connections be established for trust and collaboration?

I’ve observed that people seem to be able to converse and connect very well in times of crisis like a terrorist attack, severe weather or power outages. But we don’t want to wait and look for crises as a solution to achieve behavior change. We need both motivation and ability to connect authentically and on a deeper level. If people have lost or never learned the art of real conversation, we need to motivate and train them to make it happen. Organizations will benefit from the engagement of our whole selves.

Please share your thoughts on whether you think this is a serious problem, and if so, how to retain the positive things technology has brought while reviving conversation with ourselves (reflection) and others. Send comments to pwhaserot@pdcounsel.com or share on the Cross-Generational Conversation group on LinkedIn.

Phyllis

© Phyllis Weiss Haserot, 2013. All rights reserved.

* The generational chronology for easy reference: Generations are defined by the similar formative influences – social, cultural, political, economic – that existed as the individuals of particular birth cohorts were growing up. Given that premise, the age breakdowns for each of the four generations currently in the workplace are approximately:

Traditionalists:                           born 1925-1942   

Baby Boomers                            born 1943-1962

Generation X                              born 1963-1978

Generation Y/Millennials          born 1979-1998                    

Struggling with how to achieve vital knowledge transfer among the generations? Ask about our workshop “Avoiding the Cliff: the Human Side of Succession Planning and Knowledge Transfer”

For coaching, training and special programs on inter-generational challenges for and among 4 generations in the workplace, attracting and retaining clients and employees of different generations, and maximizing the potential of young professionals and work teams, call or email Phyllis for an exploratory talk or complimentary coaching session at 212-593-1549 or pwhaserot@pdcounsel.com. Ask about our signature program *Frontrunner 5.”

Phyllis is available to speak at your organization or at firm retreats on inter-generational relations and organizational effectiveness topics. Call or e-mail for a list of topics or to custom-tailor your own.